shweezici

The email I shouldn't send.

2008-04-02T06:04:26Z

SO in your last email you said it sounded like I was dealing with life well and I just figured I should let you know that you're damn wrong.

You asked if you could do this without hurting me and the answer is uhhhh no. I had a relapse 2 days after I got back from Boston, had to take the pill and then within a week was on two inhalers and I still feel guilty. Recap: That's 4 new medications within 2 weeks of leaving.
At least have the balls to take some credit for that. Really, it means you win in some way, who ever gets out less fucked up wins right?
You said you still wanted in on my life. Well here there is.

hugzankissuz

I want to send this so bad.

shweeici @ 2008-03-19T00:51:00

2008-03-19T04:52:28Z

I don't understand about complementary colors
And what they say
Side by side they both get bright
Together they both get gray

But he's been pretty much yellow
And I've been kinda blue
But all I can see is
Red, red, red, red, red now
What am I gonna do

I don't understand about
Diamonds and why men buy them
What's so impressive about a diamond
Except the mining

And it's dangerous work
Trying to get to you too
And I think if I didn't have to
Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill myself doing it
Maybe I wouldn't think so much of you

I've been watching all the time
And I still can't find the tack
And I wanna know is it okay
Is it just fine
Or is it my fault
Is it my lack

I don't understand about
The weather outside
Or the harmony in a tune
Or why somebody lied

There's solace a bit for submitting
To the fitfully cryptically true
What's happened has happened
What's coming is already on its way
With a role for me to play

I don't understand
I'll never understand
But I'll try to understand
There's nothing else I can do

shweeici @ 2008-03-10T02:53:00

2008-03-10T06:56:55Z

... and at 2:50am before a day of exams betsy emails he boyfriend and says she can't be together anymore because at 2:15am she thought it made sense...

hopefully it will again tomorrow

:(

shweeici @ 2008-03-08T00:31:00

2008-03-08T05:49:37Z

I have such a bad migraine I can feel my blood pulsing through my head and with every wave it makes me want to vomit.

I really wish I was joking - I wish I was just being melodramatic - I wish I could just cry but that would hurt too much.

I've been thinking about the quote

MY COOCHIE SNORCHER IS A VERY BAD PLACE.
A PLACE OF PAIN, NASTINESS, PUNCHING,
INVASION AND BLOOD.
IT'S A SITE FOR MISHAPS.
IT'S A BAD LUCK ZONE.
I IMAGINE A FREEWAY BETWEEN MY LEGS,
AND GIRL, I AM TRAVELING
I'M GOING FAR AWAY FROM HERE

it's not fair that I want to use this quote since it's not really true ... I can't even say I can imagine this woman's pain - but I related when I heard it this year in the monologues - I guess if you insert my body it really applies.
I never thought about it but that's exactly what I do - I think of just flying out of my head and my body
Ever seen Sailor Moon? During one season when a bad guy was vanquished their body turned to sand but then they crumbled from bottom up and so the last thing that left was the jewel on their head. I used to lie in bed and imagine turning to sand like that. It was like a kind of meditation and it felt so good.
I've always imagined escaping my body, going somewhere else
In plays and acting - which maybe I should start again
In drinking which I shouldn't
Into REALLY loud music with damn good headphones - I need a new ipod and new earbuds and ... new ear drums too
In other people which seems wrong somehow - and hasn't really worked for me yet ...
By running away to France - until "running away" stopped being my goal there.

Can't I run away to myself?

shweeici @ 2008-03-06T02:00:00

2008-03-06T07:03:19Z

I have been on 150mg of Welbutrin since last tuesday
And today I took 100mcg of levo to jumpstart my switch up to 88mcg - I'm really hypo (6 with goal 2 or 1) so I have a ways to go.
Eating? Fuck that shit - I can barely keep on top of breathing.
I got diagnosed on Saturday w viral bronchitis and by now it is feeling a lot better - and at this point I really don't want to leave home.

I need company sooo much, 24/7 I want to be around someone warm and living - even my dog - it's like my own body isn't enough to keep me warm. Two nights ago I was almost ready to wake up my mother because I was so lonely just in a room downstairs - luckily she hadn't gone to bed - I had forgotten what it was like to have someone so warm and open there for you 24/7. So I haven't been too bad off. I'm trying to think of ways that I can replace my almost obsessive need for touch and contact and warmth - like those really warm heating blankets - weird but if you put it around your shoulders, it's so calm and reassuring. Of course I'm also just hyper sensitive to touch right now - even touching knees with someone as you are eating lunch or people who don't mind touching your hands as they writing something on your paper practically put me in tears because it feels so good.

Anyway I have been thinking a lot about living with physical pain and how it affects a person and the people in their lives. Sounds kinds like an episode on Oprah or something but I really think this is a key point in my life where I need to figure out how I'm going to do it.

I know people who have much more extreme cases of my problems - really really severe hormone imbalances, incredibly painful and dehabilitating scoliosis, a body prone to sickness, lugs that were damaged early on as a result - and it's really shocking to see how they deal - some people just become so strong and centered. They are in many ways the only people that can help themselves and so they just never skip their exercises, their medication, never mess up their diet and never NEVER let it get them down. It becomes another part of life. They might still go through episodes of excruciating pain but they can pull themselves out of it and know when and who to ask for help.
Then there are the people who just let it get to them, and they walk around with a deep chip in their shoulders - Not to say that they don't exercise and do all the good things too but they can't get over the fact that their lives will always be more complicated than some other people's.

Today trying to run for rugby I realized that I am in soooo much denial about what I need to do. I live with so much fucking pain every day, in my back, in my head, on my body as I gain and lose weight - but it's just this dull roar behind whatever it is that I'm doing that I don't have the energy to deal with but that I certainly let piss me off. But there I was trying to run, wondering why my body was so fucking heavy, why my head was throbbing, why I was wheezing and coughing - and I just wanted to fall over and throw a hissy fit.
But these things are fixable to a certain extent, like for example freshman year my foot got really fucked up because I wouldn't wear shoes that compensated for my low arches. I was in soooo much pain, I would show up to class 15 minutes late and in tears because I couldn't walk. And then my doctor, after wrapping my foot, looked me in the eye and said that I might as well look forward to having chronic foot pain if I didn't wear good shoes. I threw a fit (and still do occasionally) because there are soooo many shoes I can't wear. But now I live in Birks which make me sooo happy and awesome hiking shoes and when I get pretty boots I stuff them with shoe inserts - and it's fine. My feet are great and I'm perfectly happy - I just had to stop throwing a fit and buckle down and figure out how to make things work.

Sooooo
Now I need to apply this to the rest of my life before I become one of those people who never learn to live with themselves. I know I give off a lot of bad vibes right now - I pretty much just radiate pain. Everyone I know says that even when I think I'm trying not to be transparent - my face always gives away if I'm feeling crappy. They can see right through to the fact that I'm just a bit mass of moodiness and self pity. And it's just killing everything - relationships, grades, goals, dreams ... for real I haven't applied to any summer jobs, I can't express myself when I'm hurt or offended, I just let shit happen to me because that's what happens. And I'm ashamed of being sick and needing medications. I feel like I'm being so half-assed. So then I don't tell anyone what's going on properly because I think they can't understand and then no one can help me. I should have approached being sick last year soooo differently - and I can't believe I went thought the summer thinking that crying myself to sleep was just what I would always have to do because my life sucked. Like I should have told my friends, I should have told my boyfriend, good thing I finally told my mom. And I shouldn't have been mad at the people who didn't know because how could they know that every time I went to the bathroom I bawled my eyes out. It was fucked up.

I need to start over - I have to deal with the fact that exercising will hurt like hell, that stretching every day will take time, that medications demand responsibility, that I may have to regulate my diet, that I need to learn how to be open with people without freaking out and either clamming up or completely dumping.

Ugggggggh it's going to be sooooo hard. But I'm looking forward to it somehow ....

In short, I just really want live a life full of hugs and little puppies with big paws. ^_^

shweeici @ 2008-03-06T01:08:00

2008-03-06T06:13:00Z

Wow so today

I went to bed at 6am
got up at 9am
did my work shift from 10-12
finished my take home final
finished my problem set
got my period (and did not fall over and die)
went to class
cleaned my room at Cornell (took out a months worth of trash!!!)
had fun w niko
and then went to rugby practice from 10-midnight.

A bit much? I mean really - I'm fucking tired of doing nothing.

shweeici @ 2008-03-05T12:31:00

2008-03-05T17:33:12Z

In the doorway of Willard I slowly unwrapped a butter mint (my favorite candy ever) and as I popped it into my mouth I watched leo walking up the hill towards the library. A more beautiful moment could not possibly exist.

ahhhhhhhhh <3

One week later ...

2008-03-05T05:41:17Z

I learned today that I have Hashimoto's thyroiditis: "an autoimmune disease where the body's own antibodies attack the cells of the thyroid." Basically my own body is breaking down my thyroid. This hasn't hit me fully yet. Doesn't mean I haven't already bawled all over my mother multiple times today - thank GOD I moved home.

So then I asked the coach if I should even bother with Rugby and this is what she said:

Don't worry about it. Over spring break try and get outside and run. Jump
on a treadmill for a little jog. Be active. We'll catch you up. Don't
worry. We had rookies join in the last 3 weeks of the season in the fall.
You'll be fine, actually you'll be great.
-Coach

Do Rugby girls cry? Because that pretty much melted my heart.

:]

shweeici @ 2008-02-28T13:42:00

2008-02-28T18:54:43Z

HEy guess what. GUESS THE FUCK WHAT.

I passed out last night at 5pm and woke up this morning at 9am.
And now I have shooting pains in my right lung.

now i know what dying feels like.

Well ....

2008-02-26T15:49:32Z

Really very little has been accomplished
- I'm now down to 1/2 dose of WB since I'm showing signs of losing my mind
- I have officially gained 25 pounds in the last three months - that's over 8 pounds a month
- I have to go through a lot of bullshit to convince people that I don't need a therapist and I that I fucking HATE nutritionists. goodie.

As usual they asked me if I was suicidal - I said no of course - I wanna live life like I've never wanted to before.
But at the same time I have to admit - I can not imagine living like this for the rest of my life. This is sheer hell and if I can't get out I just don't know what to do :(

Doctor Tomorrow!!!

2008-02-26T08:03:30Z

FINALLY - they responded. Now I'm just afraid of what they're going to say ...
I want to go to Cape Cod for spring break - it would be absolute heaven.
Of course Tina and Alina (and me too) would like to stop by Boston. Made me think with a pang of sadness that back before the shit hit the fan P and I wanted to try and coordinate spring break plans somehow. By this point I'm sure he's made other plans. I might not even see him when we go up. I kinda wish I could have last spring back sometimes. That would be nice ...

:-/

A long night of geometry awaits ....

shweeici @ 2008-02-26T02:54:00

2008-02-26T07:58:05Z

Food:
stir fry @ ris
3 eggs and the rest of the feta
fresh baby spinach w/ sag paneer
soy milk
mate mate mate
Pink Lady <3

Meds:
same
Need to figure out where to add in daily vitamin - maybe w/ wb and yasmin

Health:
I'm fucking exhausted. I got about 6 hours of sleep and won't be sleeping any time soon.
But crying my head off last night didn't help.

Other:
WHAT SHOULD I DO FOR BREAKFAST???

Nonsense

2008-02-25T22:46:49Z

Ok so technically there are

3 weeks till spring break
4 weeks till the end of spring break (duuhh)
5 weeks till my first rugby game
6 weeks till the weekend after that ....
12 weeks till Cornell is OVER

I want to lose an ungodly amount of weight in these next 3-5 weeks.
Then I want to continue forever and ever and ever.

Where the hell does one start again?
Flush the body or something?

Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

shweeici @ 2008-02-25T01:19:00

2008-02-25T06:23:08Z

Broke down at 11:30 - I'm getting to the point where I actually can't handle being alone - and the thought of sleeping alone is killing me.

So I tried to call home and no one answered. In desperation I called P - and he was great, he let me cry for a good long time, and then called me back to see if I was ok. But I can't make that a habit for a bazillion and one reasons. (What I can't believe is that some girls do this on a regular basis just because they can.)

Maybe I should try to live at home for the week. It seems like both a bad and good idea. I have so many reasons I need to be on campus but I also really need the support. I'll talk to my parents about it tomorrow.

DAY ONE!!!

2008-02-25T01:51:54Z

... of recording health related stuff. Because It's gotta get done.

Food:
guac and cheddar omelet
w home fries :(
and toast
chili at home with the family
pecan pie

(still think my appetite is enormous - maybe because now I'm enormous.)

Meds:

Day 2 of Wellbutrin - 300mg
Levo - 75mcg
Yasmin - normal

Need to figure out where to add in daily vitamin - maybe w/ wb and yasmin

Health:

Still recovering (much better) from being sick starting last monday.
Had a good ol fashioned panic attack Friday night but last night was fine :]
Pretty much feel like shit
Headache - maybe just sinus - but impossible to do work
Sooooo tired
I noticed today the REALLY big black circles around my eyes. Very freaked out right now.
Got up naturally really early (7:00am) but fell asleep again - got up at noon ( slept till 3 the day before)
Ate dinner than hit by major exhaustion
Was back in bed by 5 - P got me up w phone call - cheered me up a little but I was pretty depressed on the phone.
Went home to for food - sensitive to sound

Other:

Will try mate tea for the first time in hopes of finding alternate caffeine drink
Ordered nutrition book online today - hopefully will get it before the end of the week and start more regimented eating